i just don't think i'll ever get over you...

The Disconnection

It's all too easy for me to disconnect myself from my blog... my journal is first and foremost my best written friend. However, these days I fill such a disconnection with everything and everyone around me that this long pushed aside entry does not seem irregular. This presence, this feeling... I'm in some sort of living limbo that I cannot seem to escape.

Don't get me wrong... I smile and I find those happinesses that remind you days are worth living but I feel this disconnection. Something, or even perhaps someone, is missing from my life and the void I can deeply feel but cannot deeply see.... it's burning a hole inside me.

Maybe it's the weather... maybe this time of year just does it to me. Everything is blooming, weather is virtually perfect and the pollen of twitterpation raptures through the air, and once again I'm choking on it.

...last year. I cannot believe these insecurities still, a whole year past, they still plague me. How pathetic, how over sensitive, and how emotionally, and sexually, insane I must be.

Here I am... and I am still waiting. Am so disconnected to myself and others all for some ridiculous desire of the heart. And the most insane part is... I'll likely keep waiting.



fuck love

It was just a dream... The End

This year didn't begin under the best of circumstances, but with the best of intentions and hope.

Many lessons where learned and some not, but regardless what is done is done.

I'm happy to have just made it this far...

You learn to be okay with what you have and to reach for what you don't.

Enjoy the little ones who are always warm and ready to cuddle in bed.

To enjoy simple string pleasures.

And though the sounds of yesterday, last week, last month, several months... ago may not be the same change can bring positives.

Sometimes seeing things through different eyes will open up a world of new grand possibilities

And sometimes not so good.

Just never forget the ones who love you.

... little ones included

Then there are the fresh and new who enter your life

Sometimes the new change is needed

it doesn't mean the old is forgotten

Some sweetnesses never sours

And some does

But in odd moments great things can happen

And though some memories may be lost to time

The amazing way they made you feel can never been taken away

Just knowing that you existed in that moment surrounded by great company...

Well the moment of perfection was worth a string of painful months to come

but we aren't there yet.

Some dreams will sit and wait possible lifetimes for my finishing touches

And some dreams would never fly over the playa like they where intended to

Sometimes the most surprising of friends will stick by your side...

Even if they look like child molesters

There really always is a new horizons waiting to loom up over the ashes of what's lost

No matter how bad people perceive you to be, I always have two souls who will wait and love me unconditionally

In times of trails, my creativity takes on drug attributes

Good people and good times are great at numbing too

As are weeds

Then wrenches get thrown into the machine and before you know it you are spinning out of control

Things happen

and

Things change

but whether good or bad,

change can bring us closer to where we want to be

it can bring us closer to amazing friends...

friends we never knew and events we never experienced

some friends we sort of knew

and some who have been there our whole lives

When you use your love

some creativity

and a little bit of silliness

you begin to see and soar

You aren't bound by norms

and you learn that it's okay to dance when the world is watching

when I create, I break through my shell and share my love and art with all my friends

and try to reconnect with lost ones

Sometimes originally perceived mistakes

are the greatest joys in our lives

Just apply yourself correctly and force the mean hateful entities into the dark,

and let you thrive

Create the new

and deal with the trails

Problems can surprise you, but those same problems can lead you to new out of world souls

Things don't always work out the way we plan

and you can be forced from

your only home,

your only comfort,

and your only hope.

Life isn't always easy

Betrails will happen when enemies take off their friendly masks.

People can say hateful words that may not break your bones but break your heart.

Just keep looking forward

ex out the bad

and over indulge in the good

intoxicate in art and numb the negative

Enjoy what you have

Because sometime bad things happen to amazing people

Just stay by their side and by your family's side...

just love each other

Know what is important

Live with who you are on your shelves

Because sometimes blanket walls open the most magically of doors

The sours will drive into time

and home will suddenly just be a notion of comfort rather than a location

Enjoy what little time is left because you never know when the unexpected happens

When simple Sis love isn't an everyday thing

When the simple love of baking and cooking isn't an everyday thing

Enjoy it while it lasts

Because precious things, moments, and people...

well they don't last forever.

But no matter where we go the pursuit of happiness is always the drive.

And sometimes all the hardships and pain surprise you

and you achieve dreams.

dreams you never thought would form

Sometimes dreams do come true

and I dream of love

Good things happen and good people follow

But we always must wake up... just remember what you learned and what is important

Old friends mix into new experiences

And new experiences into old friends

Though the future is ever changing in possibilities, it is positivity I keep in mind.

Because you never know when the next obstacle is waiting around the corner. It really scares me to feel powerless to stop some evils but in the right state of mind even the biggest of problems can be tamed kittens.

For a year that brought such amazing achievements, it also found such disappointing lows. Lows that I did and am still overcoming, and lows that I have yet to be realized. However, it's the good I choose to dewell on. I can truly pluck the most beautiful of times directly from my heart and bring myself to joyful tears over the people and events I have been so very fortunate to have encountered this year. Every delectable moment did not come without effort and in some cases gritty hurt. Nothing worth obtaining, however, never came without a bit of pain and even heartbreak. But, I am still here, am I not? For me... well, that's an achievement that is greater than anyone will ever know. Most will never see the full extent of my courage and I am set myself to discover what I am capable of overcoming. I am scared but I am ready.

What a test these 12 months have been...

but what a beautiful dream at the same time.

Now as 2010 come to its end, I hope to emancipate myself from the evils of the year, hug the great memories and people I've encountered close to my heart, and hold myself up...

tomorrow is a new day I plan on seeing.

Thank you

and much love