Monday, October 4, 2010

The Ponder

I our times of need we really do discover the true colors which reveal our genuine friends and the ones who aren't. The month of August, minus the last week, was sheerly a disaster for me. Atrocity after atrocity occurred with a climax of hearing my grandma, the one who has done wonders filling the shoes my mom left nearly 13 years ago, has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. I lost my mind. Mentally I'm not prepared to go through another disease and *knock on wood* death of someone very close to my heart. And the fact that I have friends either attacking me from above or completely disassociating themselves with me stings my soul at its core.

My entire life I have placed such high value in all my friends whether they be very close or just good people I don't have the pleasure of enjoying consistently; I love them so much. I really love you guys. I like to take the same approach that my mom (Chris' mom and aunt too) have towards friends and just people in general: love. I remember once as a kid I had a friend who I invited over all the time to play Barbies. We never went to her house so the one day I did I was over joyed. However, once I got there and started playing I realized that she had a lot of the same Barbie clothes and accessories I did. Once I recognized a stain on one of the dresses I realized that she had stolen those items from me. I approached her and stated simply that I wasn't upset, maybe a little disappointed, but she could have the items and all she needed to do was ask me if she wanted to barrow them or have them. I was spoiled and I knew her family wasn't as fortunate as mine. Point being it takes a lot for me to disown a friend. Call me insane but why be so petty over insignificant things? Its not like she took my grandma's locket or something of irreplaceable sentimental value. She was a friend and I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I still like to take the same mind into my friendships as an adult. If any of you need a thing I would be there. I love cooking big meals and having all of you enjoy it. I like sharing my weed, beer, or anything along those lines. If we go to the store and you forget your wallet I'll spot you the cash, no refund needed. If you see a drawing or painting I'm working on that you really like I'll make a note and wrap it up as your next birthday, Christmas, or just for fun gift. Need gas money, here is my atm card. If you need an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on I will hear your troubles and I don't mind getting tears and snot on me. If your upset at me I am always here to listen and am more than willing to work with you to fix the issue. I'm simply just here... rain or shine, day and night, with or without flaws. I have and would again drive in the middle of the night to be there if you need me, no questions. I try to always be the Sweden of friends in a world of filled with people much less neutral.

Maybe I am out of line asking for some sympathies, or even yes a pity party, in my turn in going through hell because I understand that everyone's views towards friendship are different. However, I myself could never sit still knowing that just someone I know is mentally bruised and battered, homeless and crying, hurting and at the end of their hope. I don't understand pettiness over insignificant things nor grudges. Life is way to short to dwell on such issues and I wish everyone could realize that because friendship isn't about fairness. Life simply isn't fair. If it were I would have not experienced what it's like to be a 10 year old girl burring her mom. Friendship, like life, is give and take with sheer love and selflessness. And like life and the universe it all balances out in the end. So no worries or discontent, just love.

This is one reason why the Burning Man experience was so amazing for me. People had an enormous respect for everyone participating. There were no haves and have nots. People helped out each other because it is the right thing to do. Strangers shared food and gave people the shirt off their backs no questions asked and nothing expected in return. We were all so aware that we were at that very moment contributing to a very special cause... the perfect example for not just American society but the world. The perfect example for humanity of people everywhere of every creed and every color coming together and existing out of good and peace.

Like I said in the beginning... In our times of need we find out who our true friends are. I want to thank the people who have and continue to stand by me. You are everything a friend should be and more. When I'm done with this walk through this hell I'll be better for it and it will give me the tools to help others who will one day experience it too. And to the people who are saying and thinking negative thoughts about me... for all the slanders, for all the drama, for the hate, for the worked up moments, for arguments, for all the things said and not, for all the lies and falsehoods, for all the hurt on both parts, for just everything... well it's unfortunate we have this distance between us, I wish things would work back to good because I love having you all around. I miss you... everyone, I really do.
Just remember, as life continues and we all "keep on keeping on,"...
remember that I love you.

ps.... I write this fully aware it's public domain and any mind can read it