Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Old Lady Lindsay

Unfortunately, I turn 23 officially in 10 minutes. I am not yet ready to be a year older. This birthday has been anything but enjoyable. Drinking with my grandpa was the only event I really appreciated. I did appreciate all the birthday wishes from my friends that remembered, but its hard when you are so far away from everyone to really feel everything.... still thank you guys so much.

I ended 22 on a sour note I wish not to repeat, despite the fact that I wish I was still 22. It really does suck growing up. I remember 10 years ago when I reluctantly turned 13. I was so upset that I cannot image 10 years from now turning 33... yuck, how horrible. Everything is so discombobulated now that I don't know what to do. I need to make some hard decisions soon and in the process hurt myself and others.... this I cannot bare. Hopefully, 10 years from now I do not look back and regret my actions... I only hope that I can laugh. But those days are so far from now, even though I know if I blink I will be 33. Each current day is so hard to awake and lay my head at night without feeling resentment towards myself. 23 does not represent the ushering in of a new exciting year, but brings a new year set in responsibilities and probably more hardships. I only hope I can survive everything to see 33... though I have a feeling my soul is not meant to live such a long life.

I hope those I have hurt, am hurting, or will hurt in the future can forgive me. I am not the type to ever seek causing such pain... I never EVER mean to hurt anyone. :-(

This weekend I get to go home... to San Jose. I cannot wait and I really plan to appreciate it to the fullest. I never want to intentionally take anything for granite ever again... despite that I know that is impossible.

Thank you everyone for loving me... I promise my 23rd year of life will be lived in less stifle than my prior year. Let's lay negative thoughts and events to grave... Let's enjoy every minute of life from now and on... forever.