Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Everyone Has Hands just to Use Someone: Day 4 in the Sun

Oh, this has been much harder than I had anticipated. I'm being stoned from every imaginable angle with pellets of resentment.... even my cats are upset I moved them into this oven of a town. There are so many thoughts floating in my mind of all the problems I've caused, am causing, or am afraid I will cause in the future that it is impossible for me to continue my reign as the queen of apathy. All I care about now is getting back to where I want to be and honestly forgetting my dad for basically calling my pursuit of art one of my biggest fuck ups in life. Sorry dad that I'm flaky and don't plan the road map of the next 20 years of my life down to a tee, but if you knew me you'd know I never use maps but have a good sense of direction. I've done a lot of fucked up things lately but art is for a fact not one of those fuck ups. Sure, I may never be the next Camile Rose Garcia or Cindy Sherman but I'm going to try as hard as I fucking can. I didn't want you to come to my first solo show at the MoMA anyway.
Besides all the disappointment I've been feeling from my loving dad, I am still in the process of untangling the wake of disappointment I left in San Jose. This time away, despite how difficult it may be, is a good healing process. As the saying goes "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"... hopefully not help it grow away.
To counter act all the crumminess of lately I found that a visit to Grandma Saucedo's was a good quick fix. She fills your tummy with yummy Mexican treats and indulges me in our favorite pass time... talking shit about the rest of our family. This trip was special because she told me old world stories, which is something grandma never does. Listening to the story of how her and grandpa went to a tiny ranch outside Mexico City to find and tell her grandpa she was getting married, was one of the most compelling story I have every heard. What an inspiration for a series of images I will paint. I have the perfect image of my grandma in her wedding dress riding a burro lead by grandpa throw tiny dirt roads in the mountain above the capital. Wow, I'm quite lucky to have amazing grandparents still around.
Grandma's garden was also in bloom on my visit today. All her flower creations are so dreamy. I love it. Yes, my camera is always on hand and I took advantage... as always.

Well, all this typing has calmed me from my fit. I think it is time to go out and change my situation.