Saturday, August 22, 2009

Everything is Shrinking

So, being here just got much less tolerable. Today Raymond left to go back to school.
This is the first time in memory that I really miss my brother... a lot. It's so much easier to deal with all my misfortunes here when I have someone who is sharing a similar experience. We got closer and it really sucks and hurts that he is gone... he got out. Maybe I have a bit of jealousy over that, but now I know what it feels like to be the one left behind. It's a very lonely feeling and I don't know what to do with myself when I have free time, which is way to often. My artistic desires are getting less and less as I have to go through another and another and another... day of being where I don't want to be... here. I'm trying to acquire another job so I could fill my time productively and so I could think less about sad things. Hopefully this country club thingy works out. I really hate it here with a passion I've never had before. I cannot stand waking up only to realize I am not in my bed at home in San Jose but am still in this bad dream.
What am I going to do now with all this new found loneliness?
I cannot enjoy being alone for long periods of time like in high school. I need my friends... I miss my friends, and I miss having Chris around every minute. I miss not having to rely on my car to get me everywhere, just simply walking. I miss wearing long sleeves and cooking delicious meals for everyone. I miss playing catch and going to parks. I miss drawng with Nelson and popping in to visit Ben and Jerry's second worst employee when he is working. I just miss hanging out every day. I miss everything...

So, yes now Raymond is gone and me, Sis, and Jerry miss him... especially Sis :-)

My Sis, My muse

Mr. Kitty was trying to cheer me up by snuggling in the yard sale money.
He's a ball'n kitty

Well... in the words of pastor Matt Saldana of the Church of the God
"Just keep on keeping on..."
And that's exactly what I will do because every morning I wake I am one more morning closer to waking up in San Jose again. That is my only purpose in Visalia.